Early in my sobriety, I found family gatherings to be kind of tricky. I love my family, and I genuinely enjoy being around them, but being around lots of people (without a drink) left me feeling frazzled and overwhelmed.
Let’s face it: families can be triggering regardless of how much we love them or whether they love us.
Over time, I’ve grown to really enjoy family gatherings (without drinking), and I want to share a few simple practices I’ve used over the past 20+ years to help maintain a sense of peace and emotional safety.
So, whether you’re newly sober or already opening your first bottle of Thanksgiving wine, here are five tips that can help you have an enjoyable day with your family.
- Meditate first thing in the morning: taking a little time to get grounded and quiet goes a long way. Remember that you are not composed of your thoughts. There is a body, and you can bring your attention back to breath and bodily sensations whenever you need to throughout the day.
- Exercise: I like to run or walk my dog in the woods on Thanksgiving/Christmas morning. This helps deal with the abnormal amount of calories I’m about to eat and helps expend any extra energy I have so I can settle down for HOURS of conversation with family and friends. I like to do this before seeing everyone, but after lunch is also effective.
- Be of service: This one is my favorite. After lunch, when everyone is done eating, be the first to stand up and take plates to the kitchen, where you can start rinsing off dishes and load the dishwasher. This helps the cooks in your family a great deal, but it also gets you away from the dinner table conversation for a moment. This can be especially helpful if the conversation feels tense to you OR if you’re a newly recovering alcoholic and you can’t stop staring at everyone’s wine glass. This has the added bonus of everyone saying you’re such a great guy/gal for helping out. You become a giver and not just a taker.
- Gratitude List: Write down 5-10 things you’re truly grateful for in life. This can help us balance our perspectives if we’re in a scarcity mindset or don’t feel like things are going our way.
- Be Curious: Most of us are fairly self-absorbed, and we can’t wait to tell others how we’re doing or what we’re doing. Believe it or not, you will actually feel a sense of relief when you quit thinking about yourself for a minute and ask your family members about their lives. What they are excited about or what they feel good about accomplishing this past year. Get curious and see if you can NOT talk about yourself at all. It feels good to be interested in others!
Related: Feel free to keep your opinions to yourself this holiday. If you feel like you have to say something at the dinner table that might be offensive to others, ask yourself these questions:
- Does it need to be said?
- Does it need to be said by me?
- And does it need to be said now?
“Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen” - Bill W.
I hope these tips help you have a peaceful and serene holiday season.