Why is asking for help so difficult? What is it about being a human being that makes seeking support feel like a fist fight?
Whether it be looking for help with a plumbing problem in your house, on a big project at work, or maybe you’re suffering from an existential crisis - asking for help can feel extremely difficult. Why?
There are a few reasons we don’t seek help in times of need, but none of them really make sense in light of the relief we experience when we do reach out to others.
- Stigma: We fear being seen as weak or incapable, and believe that asking for help is an indicator we can’t deal with normal life problems.
- Culture of radical self-reliance: We live in a society that promotes pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. We view independence as strength, though I’m not sure that makes sense anymore.
- Fear of being a burden: Many of us are so afraid of being a burden on others that we don’t reach out when we need help. We don’t want to take up their time and energy, nor do we want to be seen as needy.
- Lack of trust: Some of us are worried our needs won’t be kept confidential. Maybe we’ve been burned in the past and are wary of it happening again.
- Shame/Lack of self-worth: Sadly, some of us just don’t feel worthy of someone elses time and energy or we blame ourselves for our struggle.
Pride, identity, cultural conditioning, and fear. These are the things that keep us from asking others for help. Much of this is ego, but it’s deeper than that. It’s deeper and often hard to identify in real-time.
And yet, despite all these obstacles, here’s what the science actually says happens when we ask for help…
- Research shows that naming issues/emotions instantly brings neurological relief. Just saying “I’m scared” or “I’m lost” decreases the amount of fear and anxiety we feel.
- Studies show that social sharing activates reward centers in the brain. That old saying that a problem shared is a problem halved rings true here.
- Asking someone for help actually makes THEM feel better. We consistently underestimate how willing others are to help and how good helpers feel afterward. When we ask for help, we activate reward centers in their brain - we’re literally giving them a gift.
- Emotional suppression is, not surprisingly, linked to stress, poor sleep, anxiety and depression. Vulnerability actually creates neural pathways and reduce amygdala activation giving us more space, breathing room, and ultimately peace.
Sitting with a problem alone for long periods of time without making any headway can feel frustrating and lonely. If you find yourself in that spot, whether it be a PowerPoint you can’t seem to get right, or something more serious like an inability to quit drinking…reach out and ask someone if they can help. Chances are they can. And even if they can’t solve it completely, just asking will bring you relief. More space. More breathing room. More peace.