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We all want to be liked. We want to fit in.
There’s nothing wrong with that — as long as we’re not betraying ourselves or our values just to be accepted.
This drive is likely wired into our biology. Being likable boosts our odds of survival: more chance of finding a partner, making a living, and having a support system. It makes sense.
But we run into trouble when we start acting how we think others want us to act — instead of trusting that being ourselves is enough.
Here’s the deal:
Being authentic does two powerful things.
- It attracts the kind of people we actually want in our lives.
- It repels the kind we don’t.
That second one can be hard to stomach — especially if you’ve spent years trying to be liked.
I grew up (despite my parents’ best efforts) feeling unlikable and unlovable. I’m sure that feeling played a big role in my alcoholism. It also made me crave acceptance from certain peer groups, which had me acting in ways that weren’t true to who I was.
Performing. Playing a role. And you know what? It often worked. I attracted people I thought I wanted to be around.
To be fair, I also attracted life-long friends that I’m still close with 35 years later.
But the performance followed me into adulthood — especially at work.
When I met potential clients who worked in a “cool” industry, I’d shift into salesman mode. I’d try to win them over instead of just being myself. I wasn’t trusting that if they weren’t into the real me, they probably weren’t a great fit anyway.
It all comes back to fear. Fear that we won’t get what we need. Fear that we’re not enough.
But here’s what I’m learning — and re-learning — all the time:
Authenticity is a filter. It keeps the wrong people out. It brings the right ones closer. And it makes life a hell of a lot easier in the long run.
So how do we learn to trust that being utterly ourselves is the way to win friends and influence people? How do we start believing that shedding the personas — and showing up au naturale — is actually the key to doing our best work and finding happiness?
Well, I hate to break it to you, friends…
This is where we have to muster up some serious courage — and go against the screaming voice of the ego. The one that begs us to act cool, smart, sarcastic, judgy — or whatever flavor of “not really us” we’ve learned to perform.
We have to try it once or twice and see what happens. It’ll be scary. I promise.
But after the experiment is done — after you’ve shown up honestly — it will feel good. Wholesome. Settling.
And then… chances are, you’ll probably relapse.
You’ll meet someone new. They’ll be cool as hell. You’ll want to impress them. So maybe you lie about something, or pretend you’ve already heard of that obscure band, or nod along like you totally read all the Murakami novels.
If that happens — here’s what I’d encourage you to try:
Pause. Take a breath. And say something like:
“Yo, I just lied to you. I’ve only read a couple Murakami books. Not all of them. I don’t even know why I said that.”
And then… watch what happens.
Watch how much trust is created when you show up honestly and authentically. It might blow your mind to see what a genuine human connection actually looks like.
Good luck out there. Keep it weird. Keep it real. Keep showing up.
—Parker