I hate bullies.
A couple of days ago I witnessed a guy bullying a janitor at my local grocery store. I’d love to tell you I had a healthy Zen-like reaction, but in truth I wanted to clobber the guy. And I’m pretty sure I could’ve taken him.
Then I had the thought, ‘interesting. you meditated this morning for 30 minutes, then you practiced mindfulness of breath while you were getting your teeth cleaned an hour ago, and yet, here you are - ready to get into a fist fight in a grocery store?’
I didn’t fight the guy. I didn’t even say anything. I haven’t been a in a fight in at least 30 years. Odds are good that I would either get my ass kicked, break my hand, or just slip and fall which would be embarrassing
“If we don’t do our work, we become work for other people.” — Lama Rod Owens
I bring up this crazy story where nothing actually happened because it wasn’t so long ago that I used to regularly engage in public arguments with my (then) CEO. I mean, we got pretty toxic. It was bad for both of us, but likely even more harmful to the culture at large.
Oddly, he was (and is) a friend who has seen something in me - and stuck his neck out for me, more than once. He could see an ability in my long before I could and he helped me get where I am today.
But man, our arguing in front of everyone was not cool. It was not a healthy debate of ideas, but two men being sarcastic, taking jabs, and taking it all very personally.
The real issue, the thing that I want to get at here is that I was reactive as fuck. I was so insecure about being disagreed with in front of my peers. My ego was incredibly sensitive and I acted like a child.
Was he at fault? Probably to some degree. But I find it does me little good to focus on the behavior of others. That’s a race that’s never won. If it was all his fault, there is literally nothing I could do about it. But if I can see my part…well that’s a different story.
At that time, I hadn’t done much “work”. I had only been sober a few years, I doubt I had even started therapy and I was a few years away from the beginning of my mindfulness practice.
I had very little self-awareness. I wasn’t cognizant of how I was showing up, and had no ability to pause between stimulus and response. I may have been a decent IT guy (arguable) but I had almost no ability to work well with others. Especially anyone in a position of authority.
Over the years I’ve grown as an entrepreneur, a leader, a designer, a teacher, and in many other areas of my life. And 90% of that growth can be directly correlated to my work in therapy, in meditation, and in the 12 steps. Specifically, one of the things I learned in the rooms of recovery is the following quote.
“When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me. I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.” -AA Big Book
I’m not gonna lie. I found that quote hard to swallow early in my sobriety. Mainly because I was confusing acceptance with agreement. I can accept that there are wars going on in the world, but I damn sure don’t have to agree with them.
This quote made it possible for me to start taking care of my side of the street and not trying to fix what someone else is doing.
There are situations where an adult needs to intervene if a child or an animal is being abused, but 99.9% of all situations in my life don’t need me to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong.
If you have a consistently tense work relationship, there is something very freeing about taking radical responsibility for your actions and behaviors and accepting that you can do absolutely nothing about their behavior (assuming this isn’t a harassment issue).
When we let go of wanting other people to behave differently, we can find peace and calm in our lives. When we clean up our side of the street and let everyone else worry about their side of the street, we experience less stress, anxiety, and worry.
So if you haven’t already, begin the journey of doing your work. It’s a lifelong process and I’m not sure we ever graduate, but the longer you keep at it, the happier you are, the better you are at your work/craft, and the easier you are to be around.
I’m grateful that I’ve done enough work to not have clocked the asshole at the grocery store. I’m sure he’ll get whatever’s coming to him. But nobody assigned me the role of sheriff and until they do, I’ll keep doing my work.