Last week I was “on retreat.”
This is meditator language for: I attended a silent meditation retreat.
It was pretty perfect.
Great location, great food, great teachers, it was all great.
But since I’ve come home, I’ve been in a bit of a funk.
I wouldn’t call it depression per se, but there are elements that feel like a bout of depression.
Lack of motivation, not waking up at my usual time, not being intentional about what I put in my body (or just not caring), no desire to ride the bike or lift weights. These are all things that I normally do automatically.
The tricky part about these occasional bouts of melancholy is that they tend to make me feel like something’s wrong with me.
Like there is something to get over or fix.
The famous Buddhist teacher Ajahn Sumedho has a great quote for these moments: “Right now, it’s like this.”
This simple phrase, if I can keep it top of mind, creates some breathing room in these moments. It creates space in my mind and in my heart where before there was little.
If you’ve never heard of it, the acronym R.A.I.N. stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture. Tara Brach has some great guided meditations using this acronym.
When I Recognize the feelings I’m having, Allow them to be as they are instead of trying to fix them or run from them, then I can Investigate what’s really going on. What are the causes and conditions for these feelings?
Usually, when I can see where these feelings originated, I tend to settle down and ease up. That’s when I can nurture myself and be kind to myself instead of beating myself up for not feeling “normal.”
We’re all going to have “off” days, weeks, and even months. It’s part of being human. How we work with and navigate difficult emotions and mindsets is precisely how we grow and mature in life.
It’s not a sign of success to avoid all unpleasant emotions. It’s a sign of success when we do experience these emotions to work with them in skillful ways.
So here I am, working through unpleasant and unwanted emotions. I guess I had just assumed I would come home from a 7-day retreat and jump right back into my normal routine. But, as my teacher pointed out to me, maybe my routine sucks, and it’s time to make some changes.
Had I not experienced these emotions, I might not have taken the time to review my routines and see if it’s still how I want to be living my life!
Today, I’m grateful for the hard times.