When I was early in sobriety, there was an old-timer named Jim W, who, for reasons unknown, took an interest in helping me get sober. Jim was not my sponsor in the 12-step tradition, but he was someone I could rely on for sage and sound advice during my early struggles in recovery.
Jim passed away maybe 15 years ago, and I still think about him daily. There are hundreds of stories I could tell about Jim, but the one I want to bring up today is how he taught us to deal with life when things get hard.
In his gruff, barrel-chested voice, Jim had this saying: “Turn Up The Volume.” And what he meant was to increase the intensity or the actual amount of effort we put into our programs of recovery when we’re in the midst of particularly challenging or busy times of life.
Back then, if I were attending five meetings a week but were struggling with something such as matters of finance or romance, he’d tell me to increase the number of meetings I hit to seven a week. If I had one service commitment, he’d tell me to find another one. If I took a meeting to a treatment center, he’d tell me to double up that number…at least for a little while.
Turning up the volume gave me the ability to deal with life on life’s terms…not only without taking a drink but in a way that was emotionally mature and stable. I stopped feeling like such a train wreck just because life threw me a curve ball. Life throws everyone curve balls!
There is an old saying often attributed to the Zen folks that goes:
“You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes every day unless you are very busy. Then you should sit for an hour.”
Turn Up The Volume is Jim W’s version of the old Zen passage.
The problem here, of course, is that it’s counter-intuitive. If my life is full, I usually feel like I’m too busy and can’t afford the time to go to more meetings or sit in meditation or take a yoga class or do any of the things that actually feed me. I’ve got shit to do. This, my friends, is a bullshit excuse.
When we critically examine this attitude of “too busy,” we can see the fallacy. If we don’t take excellent care of ourselves, we can’t very well take good care of anyone or anything else. Even in the busiest of times, we have to prioritize taking great care OF ourselves so we can show up AS our best selves.
The old metaphor of placing the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others comes to mind. In the illustration found in airplane safety manuals, it’s usually an adult placing it on a child. Honestly, I’ve met very few parents who would have the presence of mind to place it on themselves first. They would, of course, place it on their child first, willing to sacrifice themselves if it came to it.
The problem is that if the parent were to pass out due to lack of oxygen before getting the mask over their own face, they might fail to help the child as well.
The crux of the holiday season is here, and this time of year, although cheerful and fun, can also be stressful and challenging. Families can be triggering, there is an abundance of unhealthy yet attractive food and drink available 24/7, the weather can be cold and grey, and there can be the financial stress of spending money you don’t have on gifts for others.
If you want to get through the holidays without gaining 5lbs, going ape on your in-laws, or sneaking a tumbler of whiskey after 3 months of sobriety, it’s a great time of year to give yourself the gift of self-care. It’s time to turn up the volume on whatever practices you utilize that help you maintain a sense of peace and happiness.
Yoga, running, extra meetings (if in recovery), meditating twice a day instead of just once, walking in the woods by yourself or with someone special, taking care to eat well so your body feels nurtured and cared for, church, extra dog walks, naps, reading, etc. You get the point.
It’s counterintuitive and likely feels selfish to some, but prioritizing your own health and peace of mind almost guarantees that you will show up for yourself and everyone else in your life in a bigger and better way. Try to picture my old friend Jim telling you to “shut up and turn up the volume.”
Turning Up The Volume will likely not solve your real (underlying) issue. In my experience, it’s a band-aid of sorts. Doubling down on self-care practices can get you through the holidays without causing any major damage, but after the holidays are over, it’s probably worth your time and energy to really do the work and find out why you react the way you do around your family, money, the weather, etc. Maybe get a therapist.
OK, that’s it for now. This will be my last email for the year, as I don’t want to give you any reason to look at your inbox on Christmas Day. No matter what you celebrate, if anything, I hope the holidays treat you well. And I hope you treat yourself well.